Oh hey! Ya found my little hole in the planet.

My name's Wamfler Higgins, or Wamf for short.

I appreciate you taking the time to stroll on by my cave here. Is the fire warm enough to get that rain off your back? It never stops out there! I love it.

So what am I doing here, in this cavern? I'm glad ya asked. See, some odd amount of years ago, I started a journey which eventually led me here. Couldn't take the world no more, yanno? I searched for a place like this- somewhere to get away from the scams, the evil, the conceited misinformed heaaaaACK- AHcack... erm, sorry. Bad lungs. Did a number on them using Robert's Leaves if you know what I'm sayin' eheheh. Oh, you don't? Well lemme tell ya! Wait, no, that's for another time... where was I before I coughed a lung? Ah yes- I searched for here in order to get away from it all, and rant about random things, like my shelf of Lego cars over here! Or... my classic rock cassette mixtapes and 80's style stereo that's a NIGHTMARE to maintain in this humidity but so, so satisfying to- I, ahem. I digress.

If you've already left, I understand. I didn't mean rant to you in particular. I'll be here ranting anyways, independent of whether or not anyone observes me. But if you wanna stick around, I'll be telling tales far beyond my years, from the years left behind me. I also, mayhaps, be the last of my kind. Dunno, too early to tell. It's a weird place to be in though, to be imbued with so much knowledge and energy, yet confined to a cave in order to make good use of it.

I hope you enjoy it here. Feel free to grab some cocoa or a snack from the shelf. Now, where to begin...

Tale 1k: Escape from Evan's Village

January 1st, 2025

So there I was, back aching, leg stiff, freezing my whiskers off- standing on a ledge, peering across endless fields of ice and mud. "Man, I gotta get out of here. Everybody's fucking cracked. Is it just me? Am I just paranoid? Or does it seem like just five years ago shit was so much better? It seems like everyone has lost their minds. So many people harbor these extreme opinions about things as if they have to. Why? Why are they clay? I tire of being clay."

Then, a rumbling was felt below my feet. I heard the screaming of shitbox inline-fours echoing throughout the decaying treelines. I knew what was in an instant, and gritted my teeth-

"Road ragers..." I said to myself, the only one who truly understands it all, and retreated to the mobile safe space, a stock 2019 Civic LX.

Once I stepped down into the barely-padded-stained-with-sealant seats in desperate need of a reupholster, I patted the wheel a couple times. "There there, we aren't chasing. Not yet. Let them pass. Our day will come." They growled a bit when I turned the key, making me chuckle as I threw on my blinker for no one and pulled out to head past the other direction.

So how was it?

That was what we call a free sample. We take those. On a disgusting sleety night, mah journey which landed me here, began. I had no idea what I was in for. Being said, in truth, I'll likely be starting the tales far earlier than that, from the origin times.

There was a plan in place to solve all the problems of the universes. I've grown too old and tired now to complete that plan. All I can do is pass on what I've been passed, and experienced. That vast wall of books over there... most of that isn't literature written by other people, aside from 50-or-so books and some random comics I enjoy to peer at now and again. The other thousands of entries are my life, my travels. My journeys through space and time, beginning at the very beginning. Not my beginning. The beginning. The reason for literally everything, even you, friend.

Yes, you are my friend. I don't care what you say. You're in my cave. At one point, we were all Dan, and Dan was us all. But alas, Dan, along with what his spirit represented, has mostly been lost, as it seems people no longer know how to just... be.

Anyways, I gotta get up to do my last injection, ahyup! There we go... that should hold me until my next birthday, and then I can go in peace. Much to my dismay, this sickness has persisted too long, but I've fulfilled the terms of my contract with myself, so I have no regerts. At least you will be here listening to me, before I leave, it seems. Can't really get all the little emotions from merely a book. You need a face! And oh ho ho, I have plenty of those saved as well. All these characters, wow. You'll love them. So many friends to remember. But hey, leave any time! No pressure. I'll be here regardless, pondering, constructing, regaling, finalizing...

Tale 1: Purple Haze

Date Unknown

Let me try to recall it like granpappy Wamf did...

A long time ago, at the center of existence, there was a mist. Nobody knew where it came from, but that was alright, because there was nobody existing to care where. Except Dan. Dan was there. Dan was floating amongst this endless void swirling with moisture, bored to tears.

"Man..." Dan said, staring into the soft glow of the celestial fog, and he looked over all that had spawned in, and saw that it was shit. After what felt like an infinite eternity (and might have been, I have no clue as to the time frame of all of this, no one but the original Dan does), Dan mustered all the quantum decibels he could, then screamed out "Let me be lit!" into the hazy void, but the void did not answer back. "Fine. I'll just eat your haze, then. How would you like that, huh?"

After no response emitted from the void, Dan shrugged and started doing just that. To his credit, it musta looked kinda nummy. I've heard it described as a smoke, vapor, and grape juice all at once. Some say it was the elixir known as "lean," which I have tried, but considering nothing happens to any Dans, or Dan-channels, other than the expected effects when drinking lean, I personally won't ratify this theory. However, I would like to taste the actual stuff at least once, because what it caused Dan to do next was truly remarkable.

Dan started shitting himself, but not the normal kind. He was shitting pure creation, much to the discomfort of his cheek meat- entire worlds would shoot out behind him uncontrollably like some kind of cosmic dysentery. Was over-indulging in mysterious fluids suspended in a lack of practically anything else the best idea? Probably not, but Dan wasn't the thinker he thought he was. This carried on, Dan being propelled through the air like an Adam Warlock missile, until he filled the void, which had become self-sustaining at this point. When the globs of matter would solidify, Dan would notice it wouldn't be long before they exploded into a more colorful version of the mist, then reformed once more. The rocket man nodded in approval, thus starting his journey back to the center where he began.

Once Dan's system finally calmed down, sputtering out the last dregs, he ever-so gently landed on the greenest planet known to man, floating gracefully into its atmosphere that had now formed due to this universe starting to make up laws like "gravity." Dan landed on paradise: a planet composed purely of what we now call Granddaddy Purple. Then, Dan had no idea what he was touching, but he looked upon it, and saw it was good. He rolled so he was lying face-down and closed his eyes, breathing the scent.

"Aw man, this smells like straight skunky ass. I love it." How he knew what great skunky ass smelled like before there were people to have skunky ass is one of life's great mysteries. After huffing bud for a few lifetimes, he opened his eyes, which were now pink. "What is this feeling?" Dan asked into the empty world, but the empty world did not answer. He noticed that the spot he was breathing at had depressed into the surface of the grass planet a bit, along with being more odorous than the surroundings, making Dan wonder what would happen if he were to eat this unknown to him substance as well. And eat he did.

He ate the entire planet as if he was Galactus, sucking it in to his very being. Instead of getting sick though, Dan woke up. He now knew for certain what had transpired. By consuming the mist, Dan went from unknown floating entity to creator. Once the haze of creation had been all but processed, he returned to becoming a creation. Dan was now aware of this. With the purple in his system, though, he could manipulate all that had been made on a physical level. While he couldn't necessarily make completely new matter, he could take matter that existed and change it. He found the nearest planet and took a piece of it. The substance it was made of was singular, simple, so Dan floated to other planets, keeping pieces from each. He wasn't even fully aware of what he was doing when he built the first real planet, one that could sustain itself. He wanted green like what he had eaten, but had no idea how to make it, so he ended up making a bunch of random plants from the matter he was pulling out.

When he gave up trying to make plants, he noticed the first plant he made was dying. "LIVE!" he screamed at it, and it didn't listen. "LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!" He screamed louder with tears in his eyes, and though his screaming was in vain, a single drop of spit flew from his mouth and hit the plant, which it reacted to very quickly. Within moments, it was growing strong once more. "Huh, okay." Dan flew to a couple more planets which had some pieces he needed. He clapped his hands, and the two chunks of planetoid smashed together, becoming water, which flooded the barren plains, causing all the plants to spring up the same. Dan knelt down and touched the water and saw that it was good... enough to make beer out of. He chopped down some trees and constructed a few casks, then threw in some hops-like plants, malt from the malt planetoid, and water. But the Colt 45 to go with his two zigzags did not manifest as expected.

"WHY AREN'T YOU BEER?!" he screamed once more, coughing after he was done yelling, the purple starting to settle in. "I don't have long... but wait, why don't I have long? Hm..." In his clunky mind, he realized he was awake, aware, and able to control everything around him. The plants seem to do a similar thing. "Oh, okay!" It clicked! Dan realized that some things were alive, and some weren't... and maybe to make the malt his body was craving, he needed to put a little life into it. Thus he invented yeast, and brewed the universe's first adult beverage, which paired nicely with the weed still in his gigaliver. While buzzed, he started making statues of himself from the sand, mud, and clay, giggling while he did things like make funny faces in the material, splashing it with water. He then drunk-floated up into space for what would be the last time. He looked down at the planet he was leaving, saying "Ima call you... Dan One!" then laughed even though it wasn't even funny (it was to him), and started floating through the universe, doing similar things.

No one knows what happened to him after that point. Some say he went to make the perfect planet. Others say he faded into non-existence once more. All we know for sure, the humanoid sculptures he molded on that planet began taking shape, settling down, and after a long, long while, became self-sufficient/sustaining beings made from chemicals. Since they were made by Dan, for Dan, the beings were the first Dan-channels. They had all of his knowledge of the before-times in pure form, except for where he came from (it's theorized even Dan himself didn't know) and each a unique set of abilities. A piece of one of them resides within me today; a small shred of pure Dan-channel. That's my line, the line of Wamfkind, formed on that day, countless lifetimes ago.

Tale 2: Wamf One

457 AD

I suppose I shall go in the order in which we were made, yeh?

Aaaand not that I'm conceited or anything, but it just so happens that Dan made the head of my line first. So we start here.

"Man..." Wamf said, looking out to the horizon on their small planet, once bud, now murky ash. "Somehow, someway, somewhere, it's gotta get better than this." He sighed and smushed the patches of ash that were bubbling up from the dirty bongwater core, attempting to flatten them. Suddenly, Larry dodged into the scene, bouncing along the ground after hurtling out of the Dodge Dimension too damn fast.

"Dodges' lookin' good, Larr. I can see you've been practicing."

Larry croaked "YIPPEE!" happily, then hopped on all fours across the puddles until she blinked away again.

"Fuckin' kids..." Wamf said while walking over to the spots Larry made un-flat. "Always causing a mess..." he grumbled, flattening down the patches with his foot-pads. He chuckled. "Those were some sick dodges though... to be comin' out the DD that fast-" his white fuzzy ear twitched, detecting a noise approaching quickly.

"Larry again?!" He focused. "No..." then squints, then sighs. "It'll take eons to clean this up."

"aaaaaAAAAA-" the approaching sounds grew louder until a couple of doofuses riding in an '84 DMC DeLorean roared up, shredding the mucky ground beneath their tires.

"Jeff, Robert. This is the LAST T-" Wamf started.

"Wait wait! It's cool, look." Robert hopped out, hit the side of the rear driver side aluminum panel, causing it to hiss as it slowly cracked open, folding under itself into a shelf just between the door and wheel basin. "Huh? Pretty fucking cool right!!?" he smiled widely as he scooped up some of the whiter ash on the ground, rolling it up with another piece of his shirt.

"Jesus, Robert, any more-"

"Who the fuck is Jesus?"

"I DON'T KNOW. But I feel compelled to say he died for your sins."

Jeff screamed in agony in the background.

"As I was saying, any more of that shirt gets turned into Raws, we'll be seeing both nips. Nobody wants that. Jeff, make him a fuckin' shirt for poot's sake."

Jeff appeared in a green cloud in front of them both, grinning deviously like Hiddleston after first arriving in the Tesseract testing chamber. "For a priiiice..." he tapped his fingers together.

"Jeff we don't have anything. This planet is a spitglob."

He shrugged. "Then there's nothing I can doooo..." he cooed as Robert One held up his, and I say this with finger quotes to you, listener- "joint"- to Jeff, who promptly spat a small green fireball at the tip, cornering it.

"Thanks bro" Robert said while he ripped the wet spitty dregs. Jeff clicked with his mouth twice and gave dual finger guns in response.

"You guys are fucked..." Wamf said, shaking his head while stepping towards Rob "... but can I get a hit of that, tho?"

Robert did one more pull and passed it. Wamf nursed it a bit, getting it more lit.

Jeff yawned and stretched "Y'all enjoy that... imma make sauce." Jeff floated over to the DeLorean, pushed up the wing door a bit, pulled a lever under the seat, which caused a long contraption like one of those cheat-at-cards mechanisms from the old west to spring forth. At the end was a glass sphere and cork. He popped the top off a decanter that was integrated into the passenger seat, then gently swirled the booze orb until a few drops came out, which he telekinetically caught. He took the drops and placed a few in this large jug filled with bongwater, which changed color. Robert and Wamf watched Jeff do his thing, passing the joint back and forth in 2-puff intervals.

"Damn Jeff, going a bit hard are we?"

He grinned again. "The demon needs to be satiated."

Wamf shook his head, then reached for the joint, which Robert had already sucked through.

"Dammit man! I look away for two seconds, and you've inhaled the fuckin' yoinky!"

Robert giggled stoner-style, eyes pink like a grapefruit. "Eheheeh... well... to be faaaair, you weeeere the one that first lit it all."

DrunkenJeff finished the last of his budrum and stumbled over to agree. "Mmmmhm! *hic*"

"Alright. That fuckin' does it." Wamf stood quick, I'm fed up with both of you always ganging up on me. How much of a deal did you make for that shelf in the DeLorean anyways, Robert?!"

"Wuuuuhhh?"

He grunts frustratedly. "Jeff, what did you take!?"

"Eeeeee heeee heee heeeeee..." He raps his fingers together again. "I'll nevaa teeeelll..."

Wamf balls his fist-i-paw in rage, then quickly dodges forward, smoke lines trailing off his movement as he goes so fast he vanishes for a moment, re-appearing mid-spin kick. Jeff reacts in an instant, raising his arm to block the kick, but Wamf predicted this. He dodged left, which Jeff's neck snapped to follow, then burst-dodged right around him before it could regenerate, avoiding his attack- a burst of green energy from Jeff's eyes which flew forward and damaged the DeLorean's finish.

"My fucking ride!" Robert instantly sobered and shot up, then took out The Book. Wamf saw this- "No you don't!" then dodged behind him, blinking through Robert. He dead-legged him, causing him to buckle to his knees.

"Dammit!" Robert said, the muck getting on The Book, preventing him from writing. He started cleaning it off, but it was gonna take a while before it was write-able.

Jeff snapped his bones back into place, the tissue growing back around them. He then turned to Wamf. "Hm, okay"

Wamf danced around, skipping and balancing on one foot, incredibly nimble, like the wind itself. Not quite like Larry though, who was so nimble she could avoid Wamf's high IQ purely by dodging it.

He pushed his paw out towards Jeff, then rotated it upward, motioning towards himself a couple times. "Come on then, I'm getting bored."

Jeff smirked and ripped his pinch hitter, which was loaded with a bunch of rocks.

"Oh fuck" Wamf said, then started dodging left and right so fast he became a smoky shimmer. Jeff raised his hands, then the ground started rumbling. Moss and mud blocks began materializing left and right, each about three square feet in volume. They grew in number as a massive castle seemingly made out of the materials of the planet was now containing Wamf. There was no door in sight. Wamf tried to dodge upwards, but the four inner stone walls of the central chamber were too high. Wamf's vertical dodge was only a few feet anyways, which is actually the record for my line. We never got any better than that.

"Damn you Jeeeefff! You cheap bastaaaard!" Wamf shouted up at the guy, who was floating there- menacingly!- with a big grin on his face.

"You like my castle? You're in Jeff's domain now! Eeeehhh hehh heeehh heehhhhhh!" He started firing explosive green bolts down at Wamf, who kept trying to dodge, growing slower with every burst. "Runnin' out of fuuumes there? I'm just getting started! EEEEHEEHEHHH!" Jeff chuckled as he increased the intensity, the bolts now causing a large green fireball to erupt with every impact. "There is no escape doggie boooooy. I can do this all day!" He kept laughing, a few hundred more shots erupting from his palms, eyes, and mouth, striking the slop that is the ground, making craters. Wamf tripped on one of the ridges of the crater, spraining his ankle as he slid across the stanky soil.

Jeff focused, then starting charging up a big attack, energy collecting in his hands in front of his chest. "Night night for now!" he said, slowly honing in his aim. He fired, and Wamf tried to dodge with his right, but as he struck the ground with his foot, the uneven mess did not support and numbness coursed through him, causing him to collapse instantly on the ground. "Jeff please, don't kill me for this..."

He tilted his head. "You can't die, you're immortal."

"oh, right."

"Buuuuuut this will put you out of commission for a while! Eeeheeee! Pew!" He shot the green orb out, which floated towards the immobile Wamf.

"Dammmmiiiiiiit!" Wamf One screamed while it sailed towards him at increasing pace. Then, impact... a bright flash, a lot of heat, smell of weed, followed by a chortling Jeff.

But instead of a Wamf skeleton waiting to slowly fix itself over time, the man was somehow intact, confusing him.

"No way..." Wamf spoke softly, looking down at his intact paws. "Heh, all here. Buhow?" He then sniffed the air "Oh, I see... it's you again. Figured you show up."

She gripped Wamf by the collar on his jacket and raised him up, bearing her fangs at him. "How DARE... you start a BRAWL... and NOT INVITE ME!" She then pivoted, rotating the guy nearly 2-heads taller over her shoulder, pitching him into the opposite stone wall, completely demolishing it with the force alone instantaneously making rubble of everything in a 50-foot radius within seconds. Jeff's castle started to fall.

"My house!" Jeff cried.

"YOU!" She pointed up at him.

"Oh no"

She jumped like Hulk and grabbed him by his hair, then threw him into the ground, instantly splattering him and breaking all his bones to chunks. The force from the throw caused her to rise up a bit, so she pushed her feet into the stone ledge and sprung off of it, dive-bombing headfirst into Jeff's chest cavity, causing a green acidic splatter. The sizzling blood was no problem to Sylnia, though, as she just scooped up some of the muck and used it to wipe herself off.

"Huff... where's that little man..." she looked around, when the castle started to unbuild itself. Jeff's skeleton re-assembled, standing up.

"Okay who's rewinding time?"

"No, just changing the story" a so-stoned-he's-enlightened Robert said from the other side of the muck beach, jotting away in his journal. But before he could finish a sentence about Sylnia getting German Nazi Cancer Aids, Wamf rose up from the mud and kicked Robert's ass. Literally. One smoke-dodge-kick into the posterior and the mans went flying, out for a while.

Jeff started to open his mouth- "I-" but Sylnia put her fist in it without looking, breaking his jaw and sending him to the floor with only a light jab. "All of you, weak." She turned to Wamf. "You, let's train more."

He rubbed the back of his head "I reaaally don't wanna, man. I got a bit fucked up in that last tussle..." he placed some muck on his wound on his side and winced, then his hands started to glow a faint light purple as the cuts barely sealed up, turning into scar tissue and scabs. He grit his teeth.

"That's nothing. You're fine. Come on" she said as she walked over, grabbing his hand and yanking him, which caused him to step on his right ankle. He, naturally, cried out in pain in response, falling facefirst into the mud. Sylnia looked back at him and gasped lightly, eyes opening. "Oh fuck, my bad- I.. uh..."

"Fuck you."

She bit her lip and tapped her foot, then Larry appeared, hop-dodging through space-time. "Hello :3" she saw Wamf "Oh no, that's bad."

"Yeah, no shit. Can you help me?"

Larry One thought for a moment. "Errrmm... no. He too heamvy."

"Well then fuck off!"

Larry looked downcast. "Hey... rude..." then dodged away.

"No, wait, don't go- awww. Damn. I did it again. Whelp-" she knelt down and braced Wamf, throwing his arm over her shoulders for a fireman carry setup.

"Oh fuck..." Wamf said weakly. "Please don't carry me... it's not comfy at alllll..."

"Shut up. Quit your whining."

"But it huuuuurts..." he tried to flop off.

"H-hey! Cut it out! I'm trying to help you, dumbass..." she sighed. "Look, I'll share my dinner with you once I get home. I made chicken parm."

Wamf's eyes brightened a little, perking up. "Oh! Well in that case..." then he trailed off.

"No, the well isn't in the case..? Also you sure seem fine now." She said, slinging him fully on to which he didn't react to the pain, mind off elsewhere, wandering thoughts of chicken-y 'mato-cheese. He hummed silly songs about it under his breath.

"Bruh alright then. I feed you, and once you recover, we one-v-one, since you seem sooooo happy..." she looked over and up at his dazed face, practically asleep. "YOU HEAR!?" she shouts in his ear.

"AAAAA!" He jolted and adjusted, then winced at the pain in his leg. "Yeah... sure, whatever..."

The pointed-ears lady kept hauling the both of them up a small mushy hill back to the pueblo in the woods, a small mud-brick hut tucked away in the stem forests. It was cozy, like the pioneer cabins of frontier Alaska, having only a basic cot, next to a fire/stove combo, a hole outside with a hemp blanket to provide privacy, and a chair with an end table next to a window overlooking the bongwater sea. This was the place Sylnia called home, ya see.

She dropped Wamf on the brick "bed" which was basically just a big slab with a couple sheets. Upon impact, he said "Ow" in response, which seems reasonable to me.

"Quit whining and heal," she commanded.

"Hungryyy..."

"Uuuughhhh..." the elf-ish girl said, walking outside. Shortly after a loud SQUAWK is heard, as if a chicken just died for the cause. R.i.p. Eggsquizitine Bublé-Schwinnslow, you were a fine mother clucker.

The chicken was promptly processed and its breasticles thrown onto the hot slab. Sizzling followed, as Sylnia kept the fire warm year round. Somehow she has sustained this process of using fire to dry the bud, distilling much cleaner water from, then using the bud as fuel for the fire, keeping the coals producing visible heat waves. She sometimes gives the stemmy-bud chunks to Wamf, as he sometimes would craft things from them, such as weaved blankets and a certain McGuffin from tales past. I'll tell ya later.